~In Dreams~

Tags

dreams, Faith, family, growth, hope, Love, Minnesota, Missing, Nebraska, Sammy, strength, thoughts

I had yet another dream about you last night.

Unlike the dozens before it, I didn’t blow the whole thing into utter chaos.

You came to visit, just for a few days, of your own free will.  We sat “kriss cross applesauce” with my boy around the coffee table, blankets surrounding us. 

Unlike the other dreams there was no tension to be found, no awkward pauses, no eggshell walking. 

With coffee in hand we chatted.  You spoke of night classes and college while I fixed a toy.  It was normal, it was real, it was perfect.

You still had your faith, and I my own.  But we were laughing, smiling, teasing your dad. 

Normally in these dreams you show up out of nowhere, caught up in total distress.  Normally I open my big mouth and spout some unthought nonsense that sends you running out the door. 

What has changed?

Time.  I’m past the point of astonishment on this whole ordeal.  I’m past the point of aggression, denial, and almost beyond the emotions.  My heart, my soul has settled on the fact that you will come back to your family, and that has given me peace.  Perhaps a false peace, but still, it’s there.

Over three hundred and sixty-five days of keeping our door wide open, of waiting by the phone and watching the cars pass by. 

Over three hundred and sixty-five days of back stepping, retracing, flash backs and what-if’s.

Millions of seconds waiting, dreaming, praying and hoping.

My heart has not grown cold.  My opinions have not changed.  My resolve is still as strong as ever. 

But I shall rest easy, seeing you in my dreams, knowing that you too are dreaming of us.

Looking for Joy

Tags

greener grass, growth, hope, hurt, Joy, Sammy Johnson

I’m not always great with finding the silver lining, but I hold strong to the thought that everything truly does happen for a reason… even if in this lifetime we never figure out that reason.

I don’t know why this year has been particularly hard for us.  Or why so many of my loved ones are suffering through things beyond my imagination.  I don’t know why.  I can’t grip others’ mindsets and paths of thinking.  But one day this will all iron out.

Things have to work out.  They just have to.  That’s the whole point of faith.  You can’t believe if you have no reason to.  You can’t be thankful if life is all green grass and bright sunny days.  There’s no joy in life without failures first.

Somewhere in our lost time with our daughter there’s a point.  There’s something to be thankful for.  Somewhere in the hurt there’s Joy. 

Maybe in the life of the baby.  Maybe in my own personal growth.  Maybe in yours.  Maybe it is not about any one of us.

Joy.  It’s there somewhere.  Even if we must wait years beyond our own abilities, even if we never find it, it’s there.  It has to be.

 

Here’s a blog post that I happened to stumble on while typing this, http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/09/when-longing-to-choose-joy/ , she says it all so much better than me.

 

Courage

Tags

battles, courage, cry, disease, hardship, Minnesota, Sammy, strength

Courage:  mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

 

Courage, we all have it, deep inside of us, guiding us every day.  Some days it helps us face a bully, some days it gives us the strength to just keep breathing. 

Some days it fails us.

And that is okay.

It’s okay to fall.  It’s okay to brace a cold floor and pray for relief.  It’s okay to lash out in anger.  It is okay to fail.  It’s okay to cry.

It’s what you do the moment after that matters. 

When you take that deep breath and harness back in the courage.  When you stand up and brush off the anger and take a step forward.  When you dry the tears and face your fears.  When you allow some one to help.

Courage is not just about heroes and fairy tales.  Courage is in the sick and the survivors.  Courage is in a child as they step into their new school.  Courage is in writing, in singing, in telling the truth.  Courage is in breathing, in living.

And we all have it.

Courage.  It’s our own choice what we do with it. 

May you find the courage to come home.

-I have to take a moment to dedicate this post to a few awesome women I have the privilege of being friends with.  Their courage in the face of disease and hardship is inspiring to say the least.  I love you all.-

 

 

~And the Greatest is This~

Tags

Bible, Faith, hope, Love, Paul, Romans, Sammy

Religious views always differ from person to person. Always. 

The idea of faith never changes.  Faith is Believing.  Christian, Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, Muslim, Cherokee or voodoo… it all takes faith, believing, trusting in something other than yourself.

To not have a religious view or faith in someone other than yourself still requires a faith.  A faith of yourself, a trust that you are right.  Life takes faith.

1 Corinthians 13

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have no love, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.  But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part.

But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love these three; but the greatest of these is love. 

Life takes love.

Mark 12: 31

And the second, like it, is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no other commandment greater than these.

Faith, Hope, Love.  It’s all we got.

Faith is not about which pastor you follow, which books you read, or how many lines of scripture you can rattle off.  Religion is not about being perfect or about being better than another.  It’s about faith, hope and love.  It’s about living your faith, showing it through you actions and leaving the judging to the one who is truly in charge. 

We hope to inspire, hope to change, hope to grow.

We love with all we have, and have the faith that we shall be loved back.

And the greatest is Love.

 

~Easier Not to Feel~

It’s hard to keep writing. 

Motivation gets lost in the mix of feelings and the ever-changing calendar. 

Forcing myself to share the feelings and emotions was easy and effortless in the beginning, but now I feel my thoughts dancing around the same topic after topic.  It’s all the same.  And one sad sob story after another doesn’t encourage the help we need, that she needs.

It’s just easier to not feel the sadness. 

But I still do not believe that sitting back and waiting is the answer.  Which puts me in a bind.  I need to write, I need to do my part, but how can I force a lighter side into a grim subject?

Who knows.

The days are growing shorter, colder and our hearts are growing heavier. 

I’m just not sure which path to take.  If I follow suspicions or if I stay the course.  Any sign from any direction would be a God send right now.

And so we wait.

Again a huge thanks to those, despite the lack of fluffiness in my writings, are still reading, still following this long journey.  A bigger thanks to those who keep us all in your prayers.  Please keep sharing our story and your thoughts.  Again if you have anything to contribute please do so.  Letters, poems, stories, thoughts… you may send them to me at barefootcoffeegirl (at) gmail (dot) com.  Thanks again.

Holding Back the Guilt Card

Tags

Guilt, Minnesota, Missing, Sammy

I can’t say if it’s a female thing or a human thing, wanting to throw in a guilt card here and there.   I do know that we all, at one time or another, play on another’s emotions and feelings hoping to gain some kind of edge. 

I’ve caught myself doing it will my son, “Do you really want to make mommy sad?  I’d be so sad if you did that.”  Yup, I’m guilty, I own a whole stinking deck of guilt cards.  But here, and now, with Sam, I’ve been trying to keep them to myself.

Guilt cards just don’t cut it in real life.  Having someone do something, change something out of guilt just isn’t the same as them doing something or changing something because they want to with all of their heart.

Real acts done without pressure are beautiful.  Real.

That’s when a politician becomes a leader. That’s when a religious person becomes inspirational.  Guiltless, pressure-less, selfless acts.

But we are human. We are with fault.  We play the cards.

This morning my son and I were waiting for his bus at the top of our driveway.  Today is thick with storm clouds, emotions and honesty.  The setting was perfect as we walked the driveway together. He was discussing plans on who could sleep on the bottom of the bunk beds he wants so much, when he paused.  “Mommy.”  He paused again, “Could my big sissy sleep there too?”  He looks down at his shoes, kicking a rock, “If she would find her phone and call me, if she wasn’t so busy working.”    I glanced up as a rain drop hit my cheek, “Of course she can, bub.”  What else could  say?  He clenches on my hand, “I remember when she used to come here just to play with me, for whole weekends.  I think she should do that again.  Then I can hug her.”  I can only smile at his innocence and undying love, “That sounds perfect.”

Little souls are being crushed way too early in life.  And why?  To prove a point?  Senseless.

But what can we do?  Flood a cell phone that may no longer be her’s with pictures and stories, spam her last known address with sad, sad letters laced with guilt?  No.  I think we all know that our own self, our own conscience is the best guilt card dealer known to man.  We alone dig our own holes and burn our own bridges.

My five-year old son is slowly beginning to fit the pieces together.  Life is telling him what I fear to let him know. 

Yet still I will continue on this path.  I will keep my doors opened, my heart focussed.  I will never give up.  Even when it’s easier to just give up.  I’ll do it for him.

 

Somewhere Out There

Tags

Lyrics, Our Lady Peace, Sammy, Somewhere Out There

 

“Somewhere Out There”  by Our Lady Peace (Sorry my internet is too slow to try and share a video or actual music, feel free to youtube it ;p )

Last time I talked to you
You were lonely and out of place
You were looking down on me
Lost out in space

Laying underneath the stars
Strung out and feeling great
Watch the red orange glow
Watch it float away

Down here in the atmosphere
Garbage and city lights
Gonna save you’re tired soul
You’re gonna save our lives
Turn on the radio to
Find you in satellite
I’m waiting for the sky to fall
I’m waiting for a sign

And all we are
Is all so far

You’re falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know you’re out there somewhere out there
You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you’re out there
Somewhere out there

Hope you remember me
When you’re homesick and need a change
I miss you’re purple hair
I miss the way you taste
I know you’ll come back some day
On a bed of nails I wait
I’m praying that you don’t burn out
Or fade away

And all we are
Is all so far

You’re falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know you’re out there somewhere out there
You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you’re out there
Somewhere out there

You’re falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know you’re out there

You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you’re out there
Somewhere out there

You’re falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know you’re out there somewhere out there
You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you’re out there
Somewhere out there

You’re falling back to me
I know, I know

You’re falling out of reach
I know

Cracked Hearts

Tags

anger, Faith, family, hope, hurt, Minnesota, Missing, Nebraska, Samantha, Samantha Johnson, Sammy, Sammy Johnson, thoughts

I don’t think that any soul can honestly fathom the pain of another individual until that pain rattles their own being.  Thankfully there’s some pains that some of us are allowed to escape.

But there’s always pain, our hearts all bear many cracks.

I suppose the biggest hurt is in the not knowing.  There’s your classic and ever stabbing how’s, why’s, where’s, who’s and the what’s. 

And honestly I find myself past those.  I believe she is still out there.  I believe she still is Sammy.  I believe if she truly knew and trusted with her heart that she had a way out she’d take it.  I believe she is running from herself, and she’s caught in her own fears.  She’s trapped and running scared. She is not happy, not content.  Not many agree with me.

My theory, my thoughts have holes, but my gut instincts back me up.  And I won’t back down.  I don’t believe someone can fully erase all of their memories, their lives, themselves.  I don’t buy it.  We don’t come equipped with delete buttons, but we have the avoid button fully programmed.  Even great trauma can’t erase our core beings.  She is still in there.  She’s hiding, but not gone.  She’s hiding because she allowed emotions and fears to entrap her.  And then when those things overtook and demolished all she had, she ran.  She played it off to being better off, and better than the rest of us and had to hide from the pain they truly brought.  And you cannot run forever.

Desperation causes us all to make grave mistakes.  To say it doesn’t is flat-out lying, and to say it doesn’t apply here is even worse.  I’m willing to bet that every single human being has reached that point in their life at least once.  So hopeless, so scared, so lost that you felt as though you had no other options, no other choices.  Most of us wake up before we get to deep.

I’m probably repeating the same thoughts in all of my post, but I feel as though these thoughts are important, somehow.  My general view, my opinion is that trying to figure out why things unfolded the way they did is really a waste of energy.  Sugar coating and blame is just another silly game.  We’re all told to move on an it’s time we follow that advice.  It’s time to bring her home.  It’s time to move forward and mend the cracked hearts. 

I might be alone in my path of thinking, but I’ve never been one to settle for sitting still, and I refuse to let my family hurt so deeply. 

One day Sammy, it will be too late.

 

 

Then There’s Anger

Tags

anger, Faith, family, growth, hope, hurt, Sammy

And anger is okay.  Which is good, because today I find myself ticked.  Ticked, scared, worried and mad.

I could be all fake and pretend that the anger never surfaces, that my emotions are perfectly grounded, but I’m not into pretending or being whom I’m not. 

I’m mad because a sweet little baby had to go to the er, well cared for and with her closest family, but without her mom.  I’m mad because her mom is so selfish that she made things be this way.  I’m upset because I know some very special people who would KILL right now to have their moms kiss their wounds, they’d kill just to see their moms’ faces.  They can’t because their mothers have passed.  This baby’s mom is alive and well, she chooses to be dead to her. 

An innocent little baby filled with love. 

It ticks me off beyond belief. 

We can’t even inform her mom of what happened because she ran away. 

The good news is that the baby is not alone and has a perfect dad and grandparents at her side, family who won’t run from her.  The best news is that the baby is no longer in the hospital and home with her family.  I won’t share the details of what happened here because I believe in absolute privacy for her and her father.  But she is in the best of hands.

I don’t suppose in the grand scheme of things that my anger matters much to anyone.  But it’s a true feeling we all feel.  Anger is true.  Not always right, but true.  It’s honest, and that’s what this is all about.  Honesty.  Faith.  Family.  Hope.  Growth and life. 

Anger won’t fix broken hearts and fragile spirits, and forgiveness always follows, but it doesn’t make life easy to understand.  I’ll never understand.

Links of Hope

I just wanted to leave you all with two links that are near and dear to my heart.

http://www.twloha.com/vision/story/

and

http://www.incourage.me

These are great resources for encouragement and hope. Thanks!